Archive | January 2011

Trailers, Trailers, Trailers: More Movies I Don’t Want To See

Sanctum (Feb. 4, 2011)

Rating: Bad

Apparently another ‘based on true events’ story of the writer’s. As far as I can tell from the acting, they got the real people to star. This is the kind of movie that would oddly make for a good drinking game: drink every time an actor’s performance gives you douche chills.

It must be really hard to be close to drowning but your dad still takes the time to be a total dick.

 

World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles (March 11, 2011)

Rating: Poor

I know, I know, why do the aliens always want to go to the United States? It’s because L.A. is the first place they want to destroy, clearly. I think reviewing trailers is perfectly valid because they are designed and edited too. So if you’re going to include captions in yours, try to make the footage you show afterwards appropriate:

“There are patterns that cannot be explained” = a bunch of surfers. Uh, surfing is awesome, bro. Mystery solved.

“There are warnings that cannot be ignored” = lady immediately ignoring what is on her TV.

 

PROM (April 29, 2011)

Rating: Terrible

OK, kids.

“Who we were for four years of high school doesn’t matter” = “I am trying to excuse myself for acting like a self-centered whore”

Ironically, movies like these endorse acting like horribly shallow individuals who need to brush off whole periods of their lives rather than learn from their mistakes. Thanks, Disney.

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Rad Tatts

Tattoos

Rating: Bad

Perfect for remembering your vows while you what what in the butt.

When I looked up 1 Corinthians 13, the first four links I saw differed in text, and this tattoo did not match any of them exactly. Alterations and different translations depending on the person… that doesn’t sound like the Bible!

And, of course, it wouldn’t be a regrettable tattoo without random capitalization and a grammar error. The possessive form of IT is ITS, god dammit.

Rating: Bad

Okay, at first glance, I thought this was pretty funny. But, first time viewing is the only time that this tattoo really works. Therefore, wouldn’t it make a better sign or maybe seasonal theme at Subway?

Rating: Borderline Poor

Wow, Peter, the suit goes on over your skin. This looks great, but again, it’s permanent. Are you really going to dig Spiderman forever? He should avoid hooking up with the Bible chick: thou shall not envy Spidey.

Faith and hope and tattoos: these three things last forever.

Photo origins:

Bible Tatt

Ray Tatt

Spidey Tatt

Pressing Questions: The Google Search Game

So, being sick this past week gave me a lot of down time to ponder the big questions in life. Of course, I decided to Google them.

Rating: Good

Pregnancy and Mac products both require people to figure out very basic functions. (And often to take a little time to explore the thing you’re holding. Or perhaps just looking down.)

 

Rating: Average

Nothing worth checking out here. Who isn’t constantly dealing with people wanting to kill them and buy their business via email?

 

Rating: Great

I don’t know which to click first. I am glad that people are slightly more concerned with what happens to their body when they die over their facebook, yet, what does happen to those hats?! I hope some homeless guy isn’t wearing them. Like, all of them at once. That would be silly.

Blah.

Borderline Good has been sick for a week and too lazy to post. Some more silliness soon to come.

Trailers, Trailers, Trailers. Just Those Three.

Trailers

Rating: Average

The Green Hornet

After weeding through a, I don’t know, green hornet’s… uh, nest? full of videos and featurettes, I finally found the trailer. I have one major question: why isn’t Kato the superhero when he clearly has the goods? Oh, no, it has to be the rich, fat, white guy (yeah Rogen has lost some weight, but his playing the same guy in every movie is creating the optical illusion he is still fat.) The trailer has a little too many homophobic ‘oh we’re not gay’ jokes that makes the movie seem a little gay to me. I predict an average, maybe slightly entertaining movie night if you try really hard to like it, but overall it’s trying a bit too hard itself to be that ‘different’ kind of superhero movie that all of the superhero movies try to be.

 

Rating: Good

The Way Back

This movie is described in the trailer as being based on a true story but on Trailer Addict as a “fact-based” story. Why do I have the feeling the person who wrote that thinks truth, like, what is that really? Truth is just like, in your mind, right? I suppose that descriptor is more likely used because this didn’t actually happen, but there were soldiers who escaped from a Siberian gulag, people have accents, and people wear ear flap hats sometimes. And people also make cute jokes to warm your heart in an otherwise trying and terrible situation. In all seriousness this movie looks like it has good potential — fine actors (*cough* not Farrell *cough*), epic wide shots of expansive landscapes, and a story based in FACT, y’all. Also, we learn the valuable lesson that when the icy top layer of a river begins to break, continue to run forward! It’s like, a metaphor, man.

 

Rating: Poor

Cedar Rapids

This movie has the usually funny Ed Helms and John C. Reilly starring, yet it seems to have the problem of good set ups for jokes that don’t play out as well as you think they will (no R2D2-style reaction to the swim suit removal? It might be obvious, but giggle-inducing.) Reilly and LCD Soundsystem songs seem to be a trend these days, which is alright with me. However, I predict the movie will mostly rely on the memories of the actors being funny in the past… so what they are saying now must be funny right? Right? Will Ferrell cameo?

Don’t Worry: Here’s a Stupid Post Now

Salsa Dogs

Rating: Great

The creator of this video says he gets every door opened for him… after making him dance for several minutes, I guess.

 

Rating: Poor

Nice try guys, but your coordination is appalling, and I’m starting to suspect you’re not actually dancing.

 

Rating: Borderline Good

The rating most likely to be used for material that should be poor but made us laugh too much.

Inciting Violence

Three examples from the many videos in the past few years of right-wing media voices instilling fear and encouraging violent reactions against people they do not agree with.

Rating: Terrible (Glenn Beck Clips)

The Tides Foundation champions environmental sustainability, economic responsibility, and activism.

 

Rating: Terrible (O’Reilly Clips)

O’Reilly was one of several media figures to call for Assange’s murder.

 

Rating: Great (Young Turks Report); What Cenk is talking about: Terrible

A longer clip of Cenk Uygur on The Young Turks discussing many examples of recent violent rhetoric and related attacks (including the recent killings by Loughner.)