Archive | February 2011

TV Trailers: Shows I’ve Never Watched.

These are all shows I have never watched. So the rating is based on common sense.

Perfect Couples
(*Update: this video has been removed by the user perhaps because it gave too many people cancer. We have replaced the link with a picture that we feel gives the gist of the show.)

Rating: Terrible

Jesus, this trailer is long. Apologies all around. Can I buy you a drink to make up for it? You’re going to need one.

They’re so real*! They really love each other**! All of the men seem fairly reasonable while the women are the human equivalents of marbled, corn-speckled floaters***.

The saddest part is, there are couples who are kind of like these people. They are the empty vessels whose ideas of about love and relationships are formed from watching movies and TV shows like this. You could say, it’s life imitating *FART*!

*If you’re a yuppie and your biggest concern in life is that your new Kitchenaid mixer doesn’t match your cat.
**Cosmo told me we’re gonna be soulmates 4evar!
*** I wanted to pick something hollow or shallow, but what are you gonna do?

 

Two and a Half Men

 

Rating: Terrible.

What if two grown men had to raise a horrible child actor? = What if I could only fart through my mouth?

 

Archer

Rating: Good

This is intriguing. I’d have to see more to give it higher. I also may be biased because I recognize H. John Benjamin’s voice from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Freakshow and he apparently chooses awesome projects. Plus, shows like these usually have unfair trailers because they have clever or dirty humour that might offend the delicate sensibilities of the average person and can’t be featured. And since the average person watches Two and a Half Men and Perfect Couples… ding ding ding!

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Stream of Images: The Google Image Game

Think of three words.

Search.

Find an interesting image.

Think of two new words to go with one of the previous words

Find an interesting image…

 

Rating: Good

Searched: Monster Girl Umbrella

I think you should consider waiting at the next stop up the street. Oh, you have a gun. All good.

This image is a parody or homage (I can’t tell which because image research isn’t one of my strengths) to the Japanese theatrical release poster for “My Neighbour Totoro” a Miyazaki anime film from ’88. This is the original:

The film asks of the viewer the ultimate existential question: “what would you do if an owl-thing waited for the bus with you?” Or else it’s the story of “two young daughters of a professor and their interactions with friendly wood spirits in postwar rural Japan.”

(Random original photo source.)

 

Rating: Good

Searched: Cake Monster Pink

This cake is so meta, Greg. Eat the Cookie Monster eating cookies. Braaaaaaahm!

Unfortunately the cake designer didn’t think to decorate the cookies with pictures of cookies eating Cookie Monster.

(Random original photo source.)

 

Rating: Good

Searched: Pink Super Cheese

Congrats. You’ll never be able to wear delicate pink dresses again.

I said it.

(Random original photo source.)

Viddy This

Music Videos

 

Nicki Minaj: Did It On ‘Em

Rating: Terrible

[Ed note: when this was originally posted, there was no music video for it – only a screen cap of her ugly album cover, or something…]

I debated linking to this since it may give the video even one or two more views. Is this some elaborate joke like when Joaquin Phoenix pretended to quit acting, start a rap career, and act like an anti-social douche? The beat sounds like it’s from a Casio keyboard played over someone’s phone. She isn’t even rhyming. Throughout the part of the song I got through, she rhymes 90% of the lines with the same word as the previous one. I also don’t understand the whole, ‘don’t fuck with this bitch in the pink fairy wings and stripper heels or she’ll literally shit on your face’ thing. Let’s see if I need a dick to piss on it.

For bonus negative points, look at the comments below the video. It doesn’t matter when, they will be the worst “words” you will ever “read.”


Weezer: Memories

Rating: Bad

Somehow this song makes me sadder than the Nicki one.

Commenter: “31people dont have memory.. lol”

Yeah, I’m going to venture a guess that you were going uh-ohs in your dipes when Weezer’s last great album came out. I have memories of when Weezer were actually talented musicians instead of professional Phoning It In Technicians.


Arcade Fire: The Suburbs

Rating: Good

Thanks guys, I needed that.

This isn’t getting a higher rating, despite the great song, because I can’t watch the live stream of Egypt celebrations and still feel for the “white people problems” of the video.