My Life Is Twilight
This site was brought to my attention when it was featured on Filmdrunk in 2009. I can’t think about hardcore fans without thinking about sparkling vamps and sexy minority werewolves.
This is a place where Twilight fans (also known as Twitards) can squeal out a sentence or two about how their life is omgsomuch like the movie.
Here are some of the Top 100 along with some very telling fan photos.
“As of now, I have 4 days til I get on my Greyhound. Destination? FORKS:D I’m moving there. Seriously. My apartment’s already set up. I have a job at a Twilight tourist shop. I love my life! MLIT.” [BG Note: Have fun working a retail job in the ass end of nowhere because you think mormon housewife fantasies are real.]
“Today, I had a dream that I was making out with Taylor Lautner. In the dream, I stopped him, and told him that I was only hooking up with him because I was pretending he was Jacob Black. MLIT.” [BG Note: Ugh. Even your dreams are lame.]
“Today, my mom and I were driving home when we passed a doctors office. The sign said “Dr. Cullen MD. But Dont Worry, I Don’t Bite.” LMAO. MLIT. :)” [BG Note: Ha ha, I get it. Because he’s going to molest your kids.]
“Today my boyfriend and I were watching twilight, when the kissing scene came on, my boyfriend switched it off and tried his best to re-enact the scene, even trying to fly off the bed. It was so cute. MLIT” [BG Note: Sounds like he was trying to flee.]
“Today, I sat down in this cute bar and just as I was about to leave a guy who looked excactly like Jasper walked in. Just to be funny I walked up to him and we reanacted the ‘Alice-Jasper’ meeting scene in Eclipse. My name is Alice, and his name is Jasper. We’re going out on Friday. MLIT” [BG Note: I’m pretty sure the only true part of that story is that is she was sitting.]
“Last night when I was walking home from the bar because I am a maritime lawyer I accidentally tripped down the stairs and this guy caught me. His name was Edward. We talked for a while and he asked me how old I was. I said 24 and he replied, “How long have you been 24?” We’re going on a date. MLIT.” [BG Note: Is being a maritime lawyer (Chareth Cutestory?) your reason for being at a bar or for falling down? Did he possibly mean you’re lying about being 24 because that’s pretty young to be a sea lawyer rather than thinking you’re a vampire?]
Oh, and if you weren’t aware, that’s a Twilight themed fleshlight above. Don’t know what that is? Well, it’s for a man’s special private time. So that exists.
Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg (“The Dudes”) are best known for their comedic music videos and work on SNL. I was shown Awesometown, their TV pilot with cuts for both MTV and Fox, around ’06/’07 on YouTube. I sadly cannot find their entire original MTV cut, featuring some of their funniest skits, anywhere. (Please email firstname.lastname@example.org if you know where to find it!)
I instantly became hooked on The Dudes. I’m not an SNL watcher, but the digital shorts written by these guys were often the shiny diamonds sticking out from, what I was told, an otherwise pile of turds. At the great risk of sounding like a hipster, their ‘early’ work is my favourite. It’s more obscure and strangely clever; it’s not for everyone. It’s the kind of stuff that gets even funnier upon re-watching, which is the mark of unique, original comedy. Their famous videos like “Lazy Sunday“, “I’m On a Boat“, and “We’re Back (The Album Version)” show that their skill and humour has clearly matured (if you can call it that.) But, I want to share three videos from their vintage collection that got me hooked.
From the Fox Cut of Awesometown, this is a collection of the “Castaways” clips. Sweet beards.
Originally made for Channel 101, the dudes spoof melodramatic teen dramas like Dawson’s Creek and The O.C. The first of a multi-part series.
This is the story of three boys getting addicted to tooth whitener. They nail silly spoofs of the commercial, the teen drama, the music video, the after school special, and the pizza-making montage all in one place. When the dudes moved to L.A., they successfully used this video to gain attention from an agency. It clocks in at close to 18 minutes, so you must be dedicated to their genius. Awesometown got me interested in The Lonely Island and this video got me hooked (especially the random music video for “KA-BLAMO”, which you can find the full video for here.
Three short clips from Awesometown that show stupid can be brilliant.
Time for another game of Pressing Questions: The Google Search Game!
Let’s forget the fact that most questions I look up are related to babies and pregnancy in some way (way to go, abstinence education!) and instead focus on the middle question. It is an excellent question but far too vague. Here are some answers to the likely questions:
When is [it] ‘too used’?
- When the bristles are flat and the blue has worn off, and it is starting to grow another you.
- When it has seen two generations of deflowering in its backseat.
- When you’ve dated him to really get closer to his older brother, his younger brother, and his uncle.
- When a Japanese businessman can buy them from a vending machine.
- When the reservoir tip is full.
This is probably one of those cases where being younger or more hip and knowing who the hell T Mills is would make this less funny.
P.S. How does T Mills know if he doesn’t try?
P.P.S. Okay, I looked up T Mills and I take it back. I don’t think T Mills is interested in any ladies:
Yeah, Ben. I’m looking up how to scold you for that thing you did. You know what it is. Ben.
And yes, that balloon was a bad idea. She just thought it was funny to put it under her shirt and pretend she was pregnant. But, now, I think she’s getting ideas…
I’m pretty sure T Mills paid that black guy to come to his party.