AKA Why Didn’t I Think Of A Better Name For This Segment?
After being criticized for being too negative, I decided to review some trailers for movies that actually look promising instead of horrible (or at least better than painfully average, which may be worse than horrible.) Of course, these reviews are based solely on the trailers, and trailermaking seems to be an art lost on most trailermakers, so a few decent movies get a poor reputation before they’re even out of the gate. (Apparently, in this metaphor, movies are horses. Go with it.)
Harry Potter and The Many-Worded Magical Name Pt. 2
Released July 15, 2011
Movies should be discussed with respect to their genre and audience. It isn’t fair to be angry that a romantic comedy didn’t have enough action or that a sci-fi flick didn’t seem very realistic. And, really, you’d be sort of a dick to assert so. The Harry Potter movies certainly need to be discussed in terms of their being fantasy, relatively all-ages, and based upon a book series. Why the need for the disclaimer? Because there’s a lot of Potterhate wafting from the, I’m going to assume jock-mouths, of non-fans. For some reason they feel the need to criticize a movie based on a book they have no interest in.
If you haven’t read the books, it’s not likely you’ll completely love the movie because you’ll be confused about the details, especially if you just started dating a Potter fan a few months ago and they’re dragging you to the theatre. What, they don’t have any other friends they could bring? Why don’t they just go by themselves? I’ll tell you why: because this looks like an entertaining movie regardless of whether you know precisely what’s going on.
Aside from the magic fighting, a giant snake, a fire-breathing dragon, a flaming snake, and Snape, there’s the fact that the second half of the final book consists of an epic battle. There are bad wizards and good wizards. That’s really all you need to know. Fight, fight, fight!
And for Potter fans, as usual, it will probably be an emotional and action-packed conclusion to a fun and satisfying fantasy series. Honestly, I enjoyed the books far more and thought the movies never reached my expectations, but I sense this one will be a top three winner at the Kentucky Derby this summer (the movies are horses, dammit – remember?!)
Released November 23, 2011
Here is another movie with a built-in fan base that requires a disclaimer before discussing the rating. I don’t like this trailer. The cutesy pretending-it’s-a-romantic-comedy-but-really-it’s-a-muppet-movie-omfg concept doesn’t work for me. Mostly because the footage, I assume, is pulled from the actual movie and therefore makes me want to recoil with vomit-in-my-mouth fear.
But, it’s a muppet movie written by the tried and tested Jason Segel. He’s arguably the best part of How I Met Your Mother as well as the writer of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the character creator for Get Him To The Greek. He also played Kyle from Dead Man on Campus: the man has range (just keep him away from your freshman facebook.) Also, this is pretty great. And that fake trailer stuff was pulled out of context.
I’m supposed to be basing my rating on the impression the trailer leaves, but since I’m my own boss, I’m going to rate this based on my gut instinct. Also, how can this be bad:
Those a little too far off for you?
X-Men: First Class
Released June 3, 2011
I’ve heard good and bad things about this movie. But, the bad things are your typical judgements from people who don’t like comic book movies or nerding out (see earlier for notes on dickish assertions.)
People are sour over X-Men III sucking so hard it was like a vacuum cleaner that sucked up itself. Okay, it was as bad as that simile I just made. But, comics brands and story lines are redone in several unique titles that are complete entities of their own. And moviewise, it’d be like dismissing Batman Begins because Batman & Robin sucked as hard as the aforementioned impossible vacuum.
And, I know, I know, Hollywood can’t do anything original anymore because everything is a sequel, prequel, origin story, based on a book, game, or other movie, sometimes released within the same decade.
One downside is January Jones appearing as her usual frigid bitch self. But, since she’s Emma Frost… it probably works? I watched the X-Men cartoon on Saturday mornings as a kid and I’ve been inspired by the series for my own fantasy world creations ever since, so I’m biased. From what I can see in the trailer, the action, alternate history, and development of the classic characters as teenagers looks exciting. I imagine it’ll be less of a hoover and more of a thoroughbred hoofer (when we pretend that means horses and not dancers.)
We’ve all got our quirks, burdens, and disorders. Some of them are unavoidable or genetic, while others are freely chosen. Crazy is relative.
20 Strange and Mysterious Medical Syndromes
Over at Life Support there’s an article summarizing twenty intriguing ailments you may not have heard of.
Does anyone else think that synesthesia would make you a bitchin’ artist?
“My boyfriend has werewolf syndrome and he lets me call him Taylor when we make out! MLIT!!!”
I wanted to find an example of a famous person with a strange phobia or condition to highlight like Howie Mandel, Howard Hughes, or Mel Gibson. But, we’ve all heard about them, and being a racist alcoholic isn’t a disease, so I needed to search more. I came across an article with this photo of Paula Deen and my first instinct was, holy crap, she’s got something that makes her face look like a ventriloquist’s puppet and maybe it’s caused by butter?! But, no, she apparently suffers from panic attacks and agoraphobia. Luckily, she’s sought help, which is great because I imagine the fear of getting stuck in places is a constant threat to this poor woman.
Westboro Baptist Church
Rating: The Worst
Homophobic people are most likely scared and confused by their own sexuality and homoerotic thoughts, feelings, or dreams because what they naturally feel goes against what they’re told they should feel. They become ashamed and scared of themselves and others. So, they tell themselves, and anyone else who might be suspicious of them, that they hate fags! And so does God! Yes… yes… that should do it. The perfect cover.
Crazy people who are Christian tend to make crazy interpretations of their religion that ironically ignore the main cornerstones and entire point of said religion (loving your neighbours, non-judgement, not being total dickholes all the time.)
These two factors, in addition to several helpings of raw, selfish hatred, lead to groups like The Westboro Baptist Church. You’ve all heard of them by now. And Fred Phelps is dishing out this fully baked insanity in the form of protests to the mourning families of killed military personnel at their funerals. Why? Because God hates fags. Were the soldiers even gay? Nope. But anything bad, like going to war, that happens in America (which they also hate, even though they live there and benefit from rights to free speech and protesting) is due to gay people (who God made. Wait, a minute…) They’ve also protested a vacuum store for selling Swedish-made vacuums (because Sweden prosecuted a homophobic pastor, duh), victims of natural and other disasters (because God makes shitty weather due to his homophobia, duh), the Jewish community (even though God’s son was Jewish, duh…?), amongst many others. Thankfully, there are lots of awesome counter protestors to block off WBC’s public masturbation. Oh, but your anger, pity, faith, love, endless quotes from the Bible that say the exact opposite of what they preach, only proves their point, they say. Man, their reasoning is as airtight as a fresh virgin b-hole. Apparently, God hates logic.
They are hands down, up, and all around, the craziest motherfuckers ever. While they may not be representative of real Christians, they are representative of the hatred and prejudice that can be born from religion. Anyone want to place a bet on how much incest and molestation goes on in that family? Seriously, though, someone get those kids out of there.
The documentary “The Most Hated Family in America” is a closer look behind the public protests.
Quick, bring me back to a lighter crazy again!