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Pressing Questions: Canadian Edition

When you’re travelling, it’s a good idea to check out cultural guides for your destination. What are their local customs? What is the food like? And most importantly, who lives there and how can I judge them?

I’m Canadian, and my favourite team is the Quebec Syrup Chuggers.

The fastest way to judge people from other countries is to make, or search, for assertions about them on the Googles so people can ingrain these little known facts in their minds.

Here are some search suggestions for Canadians.

Rating: Good

Yes. Canadians do like it on top. You see, we’re north of the United States of America. When you look at a map, it appears we are “on top” of them! It seems we also very much like Obama. Some would say we like being on top of Obama. He’s very good at playing basketball.

Rating: Average

If by football, you mean soccer, then yes, Canadians don’t understand that. Mostly because it is the most boring sport in the world.

It’s true: we don’t say ‘aboot.’ Or rather, we say aboot as often as Americans say YEEEEE-HAW! So, okay, a lot.

Rating: Good

That search result appeared in two different ways? In our hand, huh? I mean, eh? Why, yes! Our Canadian folklore says that we developed that extra bone in our hand out of necessity for maple syrup farming. Sometimes it would get too cold out in the maple field, and our syrup spigots would freeze and crack. The oldlings would break off their extra bone and use it to fashion a natural spigot to tap the trees before they lost too much precious syrup potential.

That was the weirdest sentence I have ever written.

A Canadian “Boning” a Maple Tree


For the record, “do Canadians have accents” might be the stupidest thing I have ever read.


It’s Been a Long Time Pressing

Time for another game of Pressing Questions: The Google Search Game!

Rating: Great

Let’s forget the fact that most questions I look up are related to babies and pregnancy in some way (way to go, abstinence education!) and instead focus on the middle question. It is an excellent question but far too vague. Here are some answers to the likely questions:

When is [it] ‘too used’?

  • When the bristles are flat and the blue has worn off, and it is starting to grow another you.
  • When it has seen two generations of deflowering in its backseat.
  • When you’ve dated him to really get closer to his older brother, his younger brother, and his uncle.
  • When a Japanese businessman can buy them from a vending machine.
  • When the reservoir tip is full.

Rating: Good

This is probably one of those cases where being younger or more hip and knowing who the hell T Mills is would make this less funny.

P.S. How does T Mills know if he doesn’t try?

P.P.S. Okay, I looked up T Mills and I take it back. I don’t think T Mills is interested in any ladies:


Rating: Good

Yeah, Ben. I’m looking up how to scold you for that thing you did. You know what it is. Ben.

And yes, that balloon was a bad idea. She just thought it was funny to put it under her shirt and pretend she was pregnant. But, now, I think she’s getting ideas…


I’m pretty sure T Mills paid that black guy to come to his party.

Pressing Questions: The Google Search Game

So, being sick this past week gave me a lot of down time to ponder the big questions in life. Of course, I decided to Google them.

Rating: Good

Pregnancy and Mac products both require people to figure out very basic functions. (And often to take a little time to explore the thing you’re holding. Or perhaps just looking down.)


Rating: Average

Nothing worth checking out here. Who isn’t constantly dealing with people wanting to kill them and buy their business via email?


Rating: Great

I don’t know which to click first. I am glad that people are slightly more concerned with what happens to their body when they die over their facebook, yet, what does happen to those hats?! I hope some homeless guy isn’t wearing them. Like, all of them at once. That would be silly.