The Weekend Pregame: September 16th

Here are the previews for this weekend’s movies, Drive, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Straw Dogs, and The Lion King 3D, rated with beers over at MovieBoozer.com. Check ’em out — a few of them actually look decent! Guess which one doesn’t.

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Pressing Questions: Canadian Edition

When you’re travelling, it’s a good idea to check out cultural guides for your destination. What are their local customs? What is the food like? And most importantly, who lives there and how can I judge them?

I’m Canadian, and my favourite team is the Quebec Syrup Chuggers.

The fastest way to judge people from other countries is to make, or search, for assertions about them on the Googles so people can ingrain these little known facts in their minds.

Here are some search suggestions for Canadians.

Rating: Good

Yes. Canadians do like it on top. You see, we’re north of the United States of America. When you look at a map, it appears we are “on top” of them! It seems we also very much like Obama. Some would say we like being on top of Obama. He’s very good at playing basketball.

Rating: Average

If by football, you mean soccer, then yes, Canadians don’t understand that. Mostly because it is the most boring sport in the world.

It’s true: we don’t say ‘aboot.’ Or rather, we say aboot as often as Americans say YEEEEE-HAW! So, okay, a lot.

Rating: Good

That search result appeared in two different ways? In our hand, huh? I mean, eh? Why, yes! Our Canadian folklore says that we developed that extra bone in our hand out of necessity for maple syrup farming. Sometimes it would get too cold out in the maple field, and our syrup spigots would freeze and crack. The oldlings would break off their extra bone and use it to fashion a natural spigot to tap the trees before they lost too much precious syrup potential.

That was the weirdest sentence I have ever written.

A Canadian “Boning” a Maple Tree

[source]

For the record, “do Canadians have accents” might be the stupidest thing I have ever read.

The Weekend Pregame: September 9, 2011

We’re back from vacation and armed with a new post from MovieBoozer.com.

Here are the trailer reviews for your upcoming film-watching prospects, Contagion, Warrior, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.

(I was away last weekend, so here are the reviews for Septemeber 2, 2011.)

SpamBag: Premier Edition

You may have noticed in the comments section of your favourite blog that sexy, young doctors or adventurous cougars seem very interested in vague, non-descript portions of the article you just read, followed by an invitation to their favourite saucy adult site. Other times, spambots posing as readers simply want to direct you to their blog/company/dog/dog company by using some type of comment-generator that ends up making about 30% sense.

In an effort to make Borderline Good more interactive, we’re providing two new mailbag segments that will take a break from the ratings system. Tonight, we address our most recent spammers in the first edition of SpamBag!

The following comments were received recently in response to IMDB All Stars, a post from March.

‘Quilting’ says,

Hi there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it is really informative. I am going to watch out for brussels. I will be grateful if you continue this in future. A lot of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

Thanks, Quilting. I like your gerund-like username. Yes, we appear on the third page of Google’s search for “borderline good” after Lady Gaga’s test results and a goodbye letter to the family of an ex with borderline personality disorder. We’re working our way up! I’m glad to hear you’re diligently watching out for brussels. I’m sure it and/or they will appreciate it.

‘half sleeve tattoo designs’ says,

I liked as much as you will obtain performed proper here. The cartoon is tasteful, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get got an shakiness over that you wish be handing over the following. unwell no doubt come more beforehand once more since precisely the same just about very often within case you protect this increase.

Hi half sleeve! I can tell you have good taste because you’re a fan of the half-sleeve tattoo which many fun individuals are sporting these days. They’re reminiscent of Blink-182 fans, hipsters, and MMA enthusiasts alike. I’m not sure which cartoon you’re referring to, but thank-you? You’re starting to break up a little. Your analysis of my shakiness is perhaps fair. I often enjoy a craft beer while blogging.

[source]

‘merchant services seattle’ says,

outstanding post! great advice, will take on board!

Are you a sea captain for a merchant vessel? I hope that IMDB segment kept you company on your travels!

‘Lego Police’ says,

Wonderful writing, thanks for putting this together! This is obviously one great post. Thanks for the valuable information and insights you have written.

Oh, shit! It’s the Lego Police!
[source]

Nothing to see here! What? No, that’s just the housekeeper. She doesn’t like to wear pants.
[source]

The Weekend Pregame: August 26

I write endlessly entertaining trailer reviews over at MovieBoozer.com. Every Thursday/Friday, I’ll have a link to the article over there.

And so… that’s what this is: (My intro writing skills are superb.)

The Weekend Pregame: August 26. Featuring Colombiana, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, and Our Idiot Brother.

This weekend has some of the best prospects I’ve covered this summer–and I probably won’t bother seeing any of them!

Borderline Learning: Ducks

Welcome to our new segment and the return of BG — your number one source for T Mills and Butt Tattoo photos, according to the search hits when I was away.

I thought we’d bridge the gap of our absence by providing some duck closure. Aside from being in piles, what else do ducks get up to?

 

Ducks Are Kinda Rapey

 Rating: Bad (from my perspective)

I mean, most animals are since the dude ones decide to kinda clumsily rub up against the lady ones and then OOPS! But, it seems like the ladies shrug and sigh and accept this boring requirement to make babies.

After witnessing an aggressive crowd of male ducks ganging up on a female in a pond with adorable babies in tow, I was disturbed by their forceful mating behaviour.

I decided to look into the issue and got distracted by this Yahoo! Answers question:

Help! My Pekin duck is biting me!?

I have one female and one male. They are 5 months old. My female is really nice and so is the male. However, my male will sometimes grab my skin and bite it really hard. It leaves a red mark. I tried smacking him and saying “no”, but that just makes it worst. What can I do?

Uh, you have ducks for pets. Shut-up.

 

Weird Junk

Rating: Great (from the duck’s perspective)

Did you know that ducks have corkscrew-shaped junk? I didn’t until I heard about it on the FilmDrunk Frotcast (a hilarious podcast you should check out sometime that isn’t now. You’re borderline learning something here!)

Warning: the following is an R-rated photo of a duck penis if you’re a young duckling and a crazy weird photo if you’re a person. Also, SPOILERS ahead if you’re a comely young lady duck who hasn’t been attacked by rapey male ducks yet.

I know.  [source]

According to Wired:

A drake’s penis substantially wastes away at the end of one breeding season and then regrows as the next season begins. Among lesser scaup and ruddy ducks, the regrowth varies in length or timing depending on whether males have to compete with a bunch of other guys, said Patricia Brennan of Yale University.

I’m assuming because they have to beat off the other competitor ducks with their weird wangs (there’s probably a better way to say that. Probably.)

Not to be outdone, female ducks have evolved to have corkscrew vaginas so that males don’t have all of the reproductive control. They revolve in the opposite direction and have dead ends and crevices. If anyone ever needs proof that evolution exists, you just point them in my direction.

 

Long Junk

Rating: I don’t even know anymore.

The Wired article gets even more intriguing concerning length:

In many bird species, males don’t grow specialized organs to deliver sperm. Ducks typically do, their penises sometimes reaching considerable lengths (9.8 inches for a ruddy duck, more than half its body length.)

If you want to learn more about duck junk, which this segment rapidly turned into being solely about, please visit here (featuring an incredibly creepy and fascinating video. Warning: you can’t unsee it.)